The holidays, your way: Friendsgiving, family, and the weeks in between

Five weeks, a lot of feelings

From Thanksgiving on Thursday, November 26, to New Year's Day, the calendar fills up with things you're supposed to want: a big table, a trip home, a party, someone to kiss at midnight. Some guys love every minute. Some count down to January 2. Most land somewhere in between, and that can change year to year.

You're in good company either way. In the American Psychiatric Association's poll last November, 41% of US adults expected the holidays to be more stressful than the year before, and 44% also said the season is good for their mental health. Both can be true in the same week. The top worries were missing someone (48%), affording gifts (46%), family dynamics (32%) and loneliness (31%). This guide takes those one at a time.

Friendsgiving: hosting one

Chosen family is a big part of gay life, and a Friendsgiving is the easiest way to make it real. It doesn't have to be a turkey, and it doesn't have to be on Thursday.

• Pick a date people can actually make. The weekend before (Saturday, November 21) catches the guys who fly home, and Friday the 27th or that Saturday catches the ones who are back early or never left.
• Make it a potluck, and assign categories. “Bring a side, a dessert or drinks” beats eight bags of chips. A shared note or the group chat works fine as the sign-up sheet.
• Ask about food and drink up front. “Anything you don't eat? I'll have good non-alcoholic stuff too.” Then do have it: a sparkling cider or a pitcher of something with citrus.
• Invite one new person. The guy from trivia, the coworker who just moved here, a friend's plus-one. Holidays are when someone new in town is most grateful for an invite.
• Keep the ask small. Four people and a lasagna is a Friendsgiving. So is a table at a diner.

Friendsgiving: finding one

If nobody's invited you yet, it's usually because nobody's organized it yet, not because there isn't room. A few ways in:

• Ask the group you already see. Your run club, your league team, the trivia regulars. “Is anyone doing anything for Thanksgiving?” in a group chat often turns into a plan by the end of the day.
• Post on your city board. Our city guides each have a board, and a post like “Staying in Chicago for Thanksgiving, anyone hosting or want to?” is exactly what they're for. Friends & Community works for anywhere else.
• Look at what's on this week. This week shows the groups meeting in your city over the next seven days, so you can see which game night, run or coffee group is still on over the holiday week.

Being a good guest is simple: bring what you said you'd bring, offer to wash up, and text a thank-you the next day. That's how you get invited back, and how the guest becomes the host next year.

Younger guys in New York: the LGBT Community Center on West 13th Street holds its free “Thanks for Being Queer” Thanksgiving dinner for ages 13–22 on Monday, November 23, 2026, 5–7 pm. Registration is required, on the Center's site. Other LGBTQ+ centers sometimes host a community meal too; check your local center's calendar in early November.

Going home when family is complicated

Plenty of guys go home to families who are fine, mostly fine, or loving but exhausting. Some go home to people who've said cruel things. You can love them and still plan to protect your peace.

• Decide the length before you go. Two nights is a visit. Five can turn into an endurance test. You can come late and leave early, and nobody needs a reason beyond “that's what works for me this year.”
• Keep your own way out. Your own car, a rental, or a train ticket home you've already bought. A hotel or a friend's couch nearby, if staying in your old room is a lot.
• Line up a check-in friend. Someone who knows the plan, who'll text you at 8 pm, and who you can call from a walk around the block.
• Pick your topics. You don't have to have every argument this year. You're allowed to change the subject, take the dog out, or go do the dishes.
• Have an exit line ready. “I'm going to head out early, I've got a long drive.” Said calmly, it doesn't start a fight.

If home isn't safe, it's okay not to go. A Friendsgiving, a volunteer shift or a quiet day of your own is a real holiday.

If you're not out at home

A crowded holiday table, with everyone tired, a few drinks in and a long weekend ahead, is rarely the easiest place to come out. If you've been planning it for a while and it feels right, that's your call. But nobody gets to decide that Christmas Eve is the deadline. Our coming out guide has more on choosing who, when and how.

For the questions that come anyway:

• “So, seeing anyone?” “Nobody I'm ready to bring home yet.” True for most people, and it closes the topic.
• “When are you going to settle down?” “When it's right. Anyway, how's the new kitchen?”
• From the cousin who suspects: “Can we talk later, just us?” buys you time and a private conversation, if you want one.

Small practical things help: turn off message previews on your lock screen, move any apps you'd rather nobody saw off your home screen, and log out of shared devices and TVs. If you're seeing someone, agree beforehand on when it's okay to call.

Bringing a boyfriend home

The first holiday with a partner's family, or yours, goes better with a briefing.

• Tell him who's who. The uncle to avoid, the aunt who'll ask about grandchildren, the topics that start fights. Five minutes in the car saves a lot of awkward ones at the table.
• Sort out sleeping arrangements before you arrive. If your parents put him on the couch, decide together whether that's a battle for this year or a hotel booking.
• Agree on a signal for “I need a break” and one for “let's leave,” and honor it without a debate in the hallway.
• Back him up. If someone's rude to him, you deal with it, not him. “Dad, he's my partner, and I need you to be kind to him.”
• Splitting holidays between two families? Alternate years, do Thanksgiving with one and Christmas with the other, or host both at yours. Decide early, before anyone's mother asks.

Bi guys bringing home a boyfriend after a girlfriend may get questions that are really surprise. “Yes, I'm bi. This is Marcus, and I'd love for you to get to know him” is enough.

Alone for the holidays, on purpose or not

On purpose is a perfectly good holiday. A long run, a movie and the takeout you've been meaning to try. A trip on your own. A day with the phone off. Plenty of guys look forward to it all year. You don't have to explain it to anyone.

Not by choice is harder, especially the first year after a breakup, a move or a loss. A few things help:

1. Make a plan for the day itself. Breakfast out, a walk at a set time, a call booked with a friend in another time zone. A shape for the day beats waiting to see how you feel.
2. Give yourself a job. Volunteering puts you in a room with people and a task. Volunteer groups in our cities, food banks and your local LGBTQ+ center are good places to ask. Sign up early, since holiday shifts can fill up.
3. Find the things that keep running. Some weekly groups take the holiday off and some don't. Check this week in your city or browse game nights and coffee groups, then confirm on the group's own page.
4. Say it out loud. “First Christmas in a new city, anyone else around?” in Friends & Community or your city board. You'll rarely be the only one.

And if you're the one with a full table: ask around. There's almost always someone at work or in your league who isn't going anywhere.

Money: gifts, flights and saying no

Holiday spending adds up fast: flights at peak prices, gifts for a growing list, a party outfit, a round for the table. Nearly half the people in that poll named affording gifts as a worry. Some ways to make it smaller:

• Set a number first for the whole season, then split it: travel, gifts, going out. It's easier to say no to a ninth party when you can see where the money's going.
• Suggest a gift swap. With friends, a Secret Santa with a $25 limit, or one white elephant gift each, replaces eight presents with one.
• Book or skip early. If going home means a flight, price a few different travel days before you commit, and decide by early November so you're not paying December prices out of guilt.
• Host instead of going out. A potluck costs one dish. A night out in December costs a lot more.

Drinking, not drinking, and sober over the holidays

From the Wednesday before Thanksgiving to New Year's Eve, there's a drink in a lot of hands. If you drink, the CDC's line is simple: drinking less is better for your health than drinking more. Its definition of a binge, for men, is five or more drinks on one occasion, which a long holiday dinner can reach without anyone noticing. Eat first, alternate with water, and know how you're getting home.

If you're sober, sober-curious or taking a break, the holidays are when it helps most to have a plan:

• Bring your own drink to family dinners and parties, something you actually like, so you're not stuck with tap water and questions.
• Know where your meetings are on the days that are hardest for you. Check your clubhouse's holiday schedule ahead of time. San Francisco's Castro Country Club runs a café that's open 365 days a year. Our sober nights out guide lists clubhouses and sober socials city by city, and sober and recovery groups has the schedules.
• Have a person to call before the dinner, not just after it.
• Leave early if you need to. “I've got an early morning” works at any party.

Wondering about your own drinking, or someone else's? SAMHSA's National Helpline, 1-800-662-4357, is free, confidential and open every day of the year, holidays included, in English and Spanish. It doesn't do counseling, but it can point you to treatment, support groups and lower-cost options near you. You can also text your ZIP code to 435748 (English only).

When it's more than the blues

A rough December is common. Feeling low for weeks is something else, and it's worth taking seriously.

The National Institute of Mental Health draws a line between the “holiday blues” and seasonal affective disorder, a kind of depression tied to shorter daylight, not to the calendar. It usually starts in late fall or early winter and lifts in spring, lasting around four to five months. Besides the usual signs of depression, the winter kind often brings oversleeping, craving carbs, and wanting to hibernate and see nobody. It's treatable, with light therapy, talk therapy or medication, so if that sounds like your last few winters, tell a doctor or therapist now rather than in February.

NIMH also lists signs that someone may be thinking about suicide. Among them: talking about wanting to die or being a burden; feeling hopeless, trapped or in unbearable pain; withdrawing from friends, giving things away or saying goodbye; drinking or using more; and sleeping or eating a lot more or less. If you notice these in yourself or a friend, especially if they're new or getting worse, reach out today.

If you're worried about a friend, you don't need the perfect words. “Hey, you've seemed down lately. Want to get food this week?” is a good start, and so is asking directly whether they're thinking about suicide. NIMH notes that studies show asking doesn't increase suicidal thoughts or behavior. It shows you're willing to hear the answer.

New Year's, minus the pressure

New Year's Eve falls on a Thursday this year. You don't have to be at the biggest party in town at midnight. A dinner with three friends, a board-game night that runs past twelve, an early night and a New Year's Day hike are all good ways to start a year. If you'd like a trip, our winter sun guide covers warm New Year's Eves, and the calendar has the big weekends.

If January looks empty, use the last week of December to put one recurring thing in the calendar: a run club, a chorus season, a league. Groups & leagues lists them by city and day, and our making friends guide has the show-up-three-times rule that makes them stick.

Where this might not fit

Not everyone celebrates these holidays, and not everyone's family is the hard part. Some guys are grieving, some are caring for a parent, some are working every shift in December, and some are newly out and doing all of this for the first time. Being bi, out to some people and not others, living far from any gay scene, or not having the money to travel all change what's possible.

If you live somewhere small, the online versions count: a video call Friendsgiving, a group chat that watches the same movie on Christmas night, a thread here. If your situation doesn't fit anything above, tell us what's different in Friends & Community. Someone there has probably spent a holiday a lot like yours.