Coming out on your own timeline

First: you're not behind

Guys come out at 14, at 34 and at 64. Some tell everyone at once; some tell five people and leave it there. Bi guys often deal with an extra layer of people telling them to “just pick one.” And being out to yourself counts. That's usually the hardest conversation anyway.

There's no correct order and no finish line. You get to decide who knows, when, and how much.

Safety comes first

If you need to talk to someone now:

• LGBT National Help Center: 888-843-4564, for peer support at any age.
• The Trevor Project (under 25): 1-866-488-7386, or text and chat at thetrevorproject.org.
• In a crisis in the US, call or text 988.

Start with the safest person

Pick someone with a track record. How do they talk about gay people? How do they treat other people's secrets? A sibling, a cousin or a friend from outside your usual circle is often an easier first conversation than a parent.

It doesn't have to be face to face. Plenty of guys write a letter or a text first, so the other person gets to have their first reaction in private.

What to actually say

Keep it short. You can always say more later.

• In person: “I want to tell you something because you matter to me. I'm gay. I'm still me, and I'd like you to know the whole me.”
• By text: “Something I've wanted to share for a while: I'm gay. No need to reply right away. I just didn't want to keep it from you anymore.”
• If you're bi: “I'm bi. That means I can be attracted to men and women. It's not a phase or a step on the way to something else.”

You don't owe anyone a full explanation, a timeline of when you knew, or details about your love life.

The first reaction isn't the last word

Common first reactions: surprise, “are you sure?”, “I always knew,” or making it about themselves (“what will I tell people?”). Many parents who react badly at first come around over weeks or months.

Before a big conversation, line up a friend to call afterward, whatever happens. Give the other person space, and don't feel you have to manage their feelings in the moment.

If it goes badly

Your worth isn't up for a vote. It's okay to step back from people who can't treat you with respect, for a while or for good. Lots of gay men build a chosen family of friends who become the people they spend holidays with. If you need a place to vent or ask what to do next, Coming Out & Figuring It Out is full of guys who've been there.

You'll do it more than once

New jobs, new friends, new doctors: coming out keeps happening, and you decide each time. It gets more routine. Eventually it's just “my boyfriend” mid-sentence, and the conversation moves on.