Your first time at a gay bar

Nervous is normal

Some guys walk into their first gay bar at 21 with a fake-confident group of friends. Plenty go at 30, 45 or 70, after years of walking past the door. However you get there, the first time can feel like a big deal: you've built it up, you don't know the rules, and you're not sure who you're supposed to be once you're inside.

Here's the secret: inside, it's a bar. People are ordering drinks, watching the game, singing badly, catching up with friends and looking at their phones. Nobody is checking whether you're gay enough, out enough, fit enough or cool enough. Most of them remember their own first time, and some of them are having it tonight too.

Pick an easy first bar

Not every gay bar is a thumping club at 1 am. For a first visit, look for somewhere you can sit, hear people and have something to do with your hands:

• Piano and showtune bars, where the whole room sings and nobody needs an opener.
• Sports bars, where the game gives everyone something to talk about.
• Trivia, bingo and karaoke nights, with a host who keeps things moving.
• Neighborhood bars and restaurant-bars, where you can eat, sit at the bar and leave whenever you like.
• Drag brunch or an afternoon show, if you'd rather start in daylight.

Our “Actually hear each other” bars and sing-along bars are good places to start, and every city guide lists its bars with what each is like.

Good first bars, city by city

A few from our own listings that are easy to walk into on your own. Check the bar's own site or socials for tonight's hours before you go.

• New York: Marie's Crisis, the basement piano bar where the whole room sings showtunes (bring cash); Ty's in the West Village, wood-paneled, older and friendly; Boxers in Chelsea for pizza and every game on.
• Los Angeles: Hi Tops, a sports bar with good food and trivia.
• San Francisco: Twin Peaks Tavern, the glass-front corner bar with an older, chatty crowd.
• Chicago: Meeting House Tavern, with board games, trivia, bingo and karaoke.
• Washington, DC: JR.'s for happy hour and Saturday showtunes, or Uproar, more for talking than dancing.
• Atlanta: Woofs, the city's gay sports bar.
• Phoenix: Stacy's @ Melrose, the friendly hub of the Melrose strip, with something on every night.
• Minneapolis–Saint Paul: Black Hart of Saint Paul, a queer soccer pub with trivia nights.
• Columbus: Union Cafe, a big restaurant-bar in the Short North with trivia on Tuesdays at 7.
• Nashville: Canvas, a cocktail bar with no TVs, built for actual conversation.
• Portland: Darcelle XV, whose Sunday drag brunch is a great outing for first-timers (21 and up).
• San Diego: the San Diego Eagle: in summer, its Sunday afternoon barbecue is the easiest first visit.
• Las Vegas: QUADZ, a 24/7 video bar on the Fruit Loop and an easy first drink.
• St. Louis: Grey Fox Pub, the city's oldest LGBTQ+ bar, which feels like a neighborhood local and is quieter midweek.

Not on the list? Browse the bar directory by city, or ask in Nightlife & Parties where locals would send a first-timer.

Going alone

Going on your own is more common than it looks, and it makes you easier to talk to than a tight group. A few things help:

1. Go early, and on a weeknight. A Tuesday at 7 is a different bar from a Saturday at midnight: quieter, cheaper, and the bartender has time to chat.
2. Sit at the bar, not at a table in the corner. It's where the regulars are, and the bartender is your host.
3. Go for a thing, not just a drink: trivia, karaoke, the game, a drag show. It gives you somewhere to look and something to talk about.
4. Give it an hour. The first twenty minutes are the hardest. After that you're just a guy at a bar.
5. Go back. The second time, someone says “you were here last week.” That's how a bar becomes yours. Our making friends guide calls it the show-up-three-times rule.

Easy openers:

• “First time here. What's good?” (to the bartender)
• “Is trivia any good here? Want to be on a team?”
• “Who are we rooting for?”
• “I've never done karaoke. Is it as terrifying as it looks?”

Prefer to bring backup? A friend, gay or straight, is a perfectly good first-time plan. Just make sure they're there to have fun, not to make it a field trip.

Etiquette, in plain terms

• Bring ID. In the US you have to be 21 to drink, and bars often check ID at the door, whatever you look like.
• Tip the bartender. The Emily Post Institute's guide says $1–2 a drink or 15–20% of the tab. Some bars, like Julius' in New York, are cash only, so carry a little.
• Don't take photos of strangers. Some people there aren't out, and some bars ban photos outright (New York's The Cock is one). Ask before you post anyone, and keep crowd shots for the stage.
• It's not your living room, and it's not anyone's audition. Wear what you'd wear anywhere else. Every body type, age and style turns up; the regulars won't notice your shirt.
• Lesbian bars and queer bars are usually happy to have you. Be a guest: you're there to share the space, not take it over.

Flirting, touching and consent

A gay bar can be flirtier than other bars, and that's part of the fun. It doesn't change the rules:

• Eye contact and a smile are an invitation to say hello, not to touch.
• Ask before you touch. A hand on the shoulder to get past in a crowd is one thing. Grabbing a stranger isn't flirting, at a gay bar or anywhere.
• No is a full answer, and so is walking away. “Thanks, I'm good” works. You don't owe anyone a reason, a dance or your number.
• Being bought a drink isn't a deal. You can say thanks and go back to your friends.
• If someone won't take the hint, tell the bartender or the door staff. Handling it is their job, and both Grindr and Tinder suggest asking bar staff for help when someone makes you uncomfortable.

Flirting not your goal? Plenty of guys are there with a boyfriend, for the music or for the trivia. “I'm just here for the quiz, but I'm happy to chat” is friendly and clear.

Drinks, and keeping an eye on yours

You don't have to drink to go to a bar. Soda with lime, a mocktail or a non-alcoholic beer all count, and a good bar won't blink. Our sober nights out guide has more on doing a bar night without drinking.

If you do drink, know what you're having. A standard drink, the NIH says, is a 12-ounce beer at 5%, a 5-ounce glass of wine or a 1.5-ounce shot of spirits. A 10% craft beer is two, and a strong cocktail can be more. The CDC counts five or more drinks on one occasion as a binge for men. Eat first, and alternate with water.

If you or a friend suddenly feel far drunker than you should, or dizzy, confused, sick or close to passing out, tell the bartender and a friend, and don't leave with someone you just met. Call 911 if it's getting worse, and if you think you were drugged, ask the hospital for a urine test.

Getting home

Decide how you're getting home before you go, and don't drive if you've been drinking.

• Rideshare: wait inside until the app shows your driver has arrived, then check the plate, the car and the driver's photo before you get in. Uber's “Share trip status” sends a friend your route and arrival time.
• Transit: check when the last train or bus runs. Many of our city guides cover getting around.
• Going home with someone? Tell a friend where, and read the app safety guide: the same habits apply to a guy from the bar as to a guy from an app.
• Leaving early is allowed. One drink and home by ten is a successful first night.

If you're not out

Lots of guys at gay bars aren't out to everyone: to family, at work, back home. Going doesn't announce anything, and you don't owe anyone there your story.

• Pick a bar a little out of your way, in a neighborhood or a town where you're less likely to run into your boss.
• Go on a quiet night. Fewer people, fewer phones.
• Have an easy answer ready in case someone you know sees you. “I was meeting a friend” is true.
• Check your phone settings before you go: turn off location tagging, and think twice about checking in or posting stories.
• If you see someone you know, a nod is plenty. Gay bar etiquette is that you don't out anyone, ever.

Thinking about who to tell next? Our coming out guide is there when you're ready, and not before.

If something goes wrong

• In danger, or a friend won't wake up: call 911.
• If you've been assaulted, RAINN's National Sexual Assault Hotline is free, confidential and open 24/7: 800-656-4673, or text HOPE to 64673.
• If it's been a hard night in your head, call or text 988, any time.
• If a bar handled something badly, tell the manager, and tell other guys in your city board. That's what it's for.

Where this might not fit

Not everyone has a gay bar nearby. Plenty of smaller towns have none at all, and in some countries going to one carries real legal risk. A Pride event, a queer bookstore, an LGBTQ+ center's social night or a group or league can do the same job without the bar.

Gay bars also don't feel the same to everyone. Race, age, size, being femme or masc, being bi, being disabled, or not drinking all change how a room feels, and some rooms are better at welcoming everyone than others. If the first one wasn't for you, try a different kind of bar on a different night. If you're under 21, look for all-ages events at your local LGBTQ+ center. And if you'd like a second opinion before you go, ask in Nightlife & Parties. Someone there was nervous once too.