Better sex, honestly

Start with talking

The best sex usually starts before anyone takes anything off: what you're into, what you're not, and anything you're nervous about. It doesn't have to be awkward:

• “I'm into this, not really into that. What about you?”
• “I'm a bit nervous, can we go slow?”
• “Check in with me as we go?”

Consent is ongoing: anyone can change their mind at any point, and someone who's very drunk or high can't agree to anything. A pulled-back hand, a pause or silence means stop and check.

You don't have to do everything

Plenty of gay and bi men don't have anal sex at all, or rarely. Some call themselves “sides.” Oral sex, hands, grinding and everything else count as sex too. Being a top, a bottom, versatile or none of the above is just a preference, not a ranking. If someone pressures you about it, that's on them.

If you're bottoming

• Go slow and use plenty of lube. Relaxing takes time, and rushing is what makes it hurt.
• Pain means stop and adjust or try another time. Some discomfort while you get used to it is common; sharp pain isn't something to push through.
• Prep is optional. If you rinse beforehand, use a small amount of lukewarm plain water and keep it gentle; harsh products and doing it a lot can irritate the lining. A fiber supplement in your daily routine helps more than people expect.
• See a doctor for bleeding that doesn't stop, ongoing pain, or anything that doesn't feel right afterwards.

If you're topping

• Let your partner set the pace, especially at the start. Check in.
• Plenty of lube, a condom that fits, and patience.
• Short nails and clean hands make everything more comfortable for both of you.

Erection worries are normal

Nerves, alcohol, tiredness, stress, condoms and some medications all affect erections, at any age. It happens to almost everyone sometimes. If it's a regular thing, talk to a doctor: ED medicine (like sildenafil or tadalafil) is common, safe for most people, and easy to ask for.

Alcohol, drugs and sex

A drink can help you relax. A lot of drinks, or drugs, make it harder to use condoms, take PrEP on time, notice pain or agree to things you actually want. If drugs and sex have become tangled together for you, you're not alone, and there's judgement-free help: an LGBTQ health center is a good first call. Our After Dark page has harm-reduction basics, including G and alcohol.

Hookups and safety

• Meeting someone new? Tell a friend where you're going, and share your location if you can.
• Meet somewhere public first if you're unsure.
• You can leave at any point, for any reason, without explaining.

Ask the guys

Got a question you'd rather not ask your doctor first? Post it in Sex & Health. Frank, respectful questions are welcome; explicit content isn't. And for the medical side, the sexual health guide covers PrEP, testing and vaccines.